OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
