can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
These tits shall not be calmed
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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