I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
