She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he thought i was a dude.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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