Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
