if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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