whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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