I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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