I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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