im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He felt like a one man threesome
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
