he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Help me help you realize you are a moron
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
