Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
