Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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