Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
