Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
