i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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