My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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