I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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