Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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