I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
