I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
