I cannot find my penis.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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