Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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