Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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