is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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