It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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