She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
