Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
