im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize