Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
