my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
