my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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