No stitches, just platelets and will power
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
