I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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