How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
