I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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