Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
