Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize