I think I won the penis lottery.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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