last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
