My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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