We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
