Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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