he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
