I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
