I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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