My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
