our cab driver is having phone sex.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
