omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
