I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
