Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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