I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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