If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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