Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
