Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
