the condom got lost in my hair
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
