There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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