Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
