I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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